The Sci-Fi channel is hosting a Bruce Campbell marathon. I am in Heaven. Just finished watching Terminal Invasion, which is Bruce vs. The Aliens. Much fun. Army of Darkness started a couple minutes ago—had me laughing before the movie even began. It was the warning: This Film May Contain Some Violent Content. Which is kind of like saying Laurell K. Hamilton’s books contain only “gentle petting.”
Still writing. Mostly during commercial breaks. I should really be stressed out right now—my computer mysteriously lost all of yesterday’s work. All of it. However, after much pulling of hair and gnashing of teeth, I decided that I would just rewrite everything and make it better. Yeah, there’s optimism for you.
Okay, back to the movie, which is—Bruce! They took your chainsaw away. Bad monkey soldiers. Oh, but Bruce’s love interest just appeared, all wench-like and bosomy, giving him that death glare. Spit! Spit! My brother’s death shall be avenged! Okay, all the wenches are there now. Yeah, Bruce – she digs you. May God have mercy on your soul, too, ‘cause that’s one stinky pit. Into the pit, you animal! Into the pit!
Silence. Get ready for it. Get ready…
ARRGH! BLOOD GEYSER!!!!
Dude. You are so in for it. Whoa, yeah – you tell ‘em, Bruce. You tell—oh! Be-yotch! You hit Bruce in the head with a rock! You’re gonna pay for that. But not until Bruce deals with the zombie chicks.
Intermission: Daisy needs a potty break, Lucky requires a dog bone.
Back now. Bruce is out of the pit, slapping around the locals, brandishing his chainsaw and BOOMSTICK! The next one of you primates even touches me—
Oh, so now the local wench is looking interested. What is it with chicks and their Alpha males?
Commercials. Sin City. Conquest of America. Halls, for Immediate Relief. TAG spray, which is being advertised as the “Seduction Without Any Effort” cologne for desperate men. Not impressed.
Graaaapes. Bruce, you lucky dog. Look at all those jealous soldiers. Okay, the Avenging Spitting Wench has come to beg forgiveness. So typical. Oh, wow. Crazy Old Lady Alert. She sure didn’t last long—oh, wait. It’s a trick. Get an ax. Good thinking, Bruce. Yo, She-Witch. Let’s go. Shooting guns without looking at your target. Nice move, there.
Yeah, I always like watching my heroes get all manly with medieval tools. Groovy, indeed. Wench is back. Stay away, be-yotch. You’re so shallow. Your primitive intellect doesn’t understand stuff. Ouch. What a slap. Which must have been a love slap, ‘cause he’s all like, “Gimme some sugar, baybee.” And she is. Like, a lot. Poor Bruce. How you suffer. But you do look good in that blue shirt. Meow.
Ride ‘em, cowboy! Ride ‘em right into that unholy place for your bad bad book. And don’t forget those magic words.
Commericals. Sin City, again. Bruce Willis looks good all scarred up and saving damsels in distress. Which is probably my cue to stop this commentary. Back to the book writing.
EDIT: After watching the little people and the asexual reproduction, I’m once again reminded why this show is just so much crack. “Good. Bad. I’m the guy with the gun.” Just…wow. I am so geeking out right now.